Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
