Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
