Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
