He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
