Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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