I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
