this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
