he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Randomize
