don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
