I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
