Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Randomize
