I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
