When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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