i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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