Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
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You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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