jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
