on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
