Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
