then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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