His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
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If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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