She went from zero to smokin in five shots
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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