I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
