Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
