i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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