It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
