I puked a lego.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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