Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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