Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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