Dude my mom stole all your condoms
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
