An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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