Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
