my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
