You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
