Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
