thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
