The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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