No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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