First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
