He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
