sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
