His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize