so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
