It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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