Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
