I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My vagina is officially offended.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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