i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
