We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
