my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
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Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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