i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
