chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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