Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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