my phone needs a breathalizer
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
