This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
