who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
