Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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