I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize