So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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