weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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