After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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