You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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