Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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