you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
