my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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